help me find myself..

Today I heard the song you wrote for her, and you sound so happy.
I must admit that I was expecting to feel something, like somehow it would affect me.
And it did, but it wasnt sadness. I was smiling. I was happy that you were happy.
It felt like I was just listening to another cheesy song.
It's through this that I've realised.
I've come to accept that things were not meant to be between us.
That I'm thankful for what happened, because now I've seen that I'm capable of moving on.
I've been feeling this way for a long while now, I just was not sure.
I felt afraid to listen to that song, because I didn't want to feel down.
But I knew today, that it was going to be different.
Through the help of certain things, the smallest little strings that kept me attached to you are now gone.
I believe that I am no long affected by you.
All I do now is just smile about it.
Because it was beautiful while it lasted.
And it ended, but something more beautiful came from it.
I told myself there was a reason all this happened.
And that eventually I was going to find out that reason.
I've found it, and I'm cherishing it.

Thank you.. you were my inspiration for writing this. You helped me :)

I JUST WANT YOU - AJ RAFAEL
"There's something I gotta say to you
but I'm so afraid of what you'll do
I'll just admit this to you now
That I'm stuck on glue on you some how
Don't want to feel so cold inside
I want to feel the warmth that I feel with you all the time
Surrounding me just like the wind
cause you're the one who makes me see
Help me find myself, like how I found you
I need you so we can live happily too
I just want you
I want to go out with you tonight
A picnic with candle light
I might just hold you tight
Tell me you want to be my queen
If not it's ok a princess seems just my type I promise I'll be there tonight
I want to keep you warm when winters white
And make the summer walks on the beach sound nice
I need you now to talk with on the phone for hours at a time
Baby I just want you to be mine all mine..."

AUTUMN SUNSET.

She stood alongside her open window. The soft breeze gently blowing away the last few traces of sadness from her eyes. Her moist cheeks tingled from the cool air. Her mouth held shut. Such a beautiful autumn sunset, painting the sky endlessly with pinks and rich golds. Even a sight like this didn't stop the tears from streaming down her face.

She closed her eyes, forcing out the last few drops. Then brushed them away from her cheeks with her hands. She took a deep breath. That will be the last time, she told herself, tomorrow everything will be different.

She looked out again at the beautiful view. She slowly slipped her hand in her pocket. It was filled with ripped pieces of paper. She grabbed a handful, making sure all were there. She held that arm out the window, the cool breeze tickling her skin, making her hair stand on end.

Taking another deep breath, she opened her hand. The pieces of paper started to fly away, caught by the breeze. There he went. "He was carried away; his words which amazed me, his voice which awakened me, his smile that calmed me...". And there she stood, what a beautiful autumn sunset. She watched till the final glimpse of gold had set and disappeared.

Love me for what I am not. Then leave me with a kiss.

<3

my mind goes something like this..

Monday is getting nearer;
My thoughts aren't getting any clearer.

I'm getting too caught up in you;
I've got to come up with something to do.

Cos the longer I keep on going with this;
Then the harder it will be for me to resist.

So here I am filling my thoughts,
It's all about Monday's results.

Just to keep you away,
So it'll be safe for me to say;
That there won't be a price to pay.

The price to pay being my heart;
Already cut by something so sharp.

But this ain't nothing like before;
Which left me all sore.

It happened so unexpectedly;
Even though I thought I went by so quietly.

You've got me caught up in you,
And there is something I must do.

Cos what I feel may just be for me,
As nothing is what my eyes can see.

So if it is just for me,
I'm just gonna let it go free.

Let me know. Before I let you go.

Ahhh-choo!

Useful for me. Useless for you. - ramble

"Oh hey! Listen to this.." Lilian directed.
"The inability to pronounce the letter R is called Rhotacism. The inability to pronounce the letter S is called having a Lisp."
William laughed.
Don't you just love being the reason someone laughs, you're actually making them happy even if only it were for a short second.
"Fascinating huh?" Lil added.
"I've heard of the lisp, but not the rhotacism one.. but that's a good one!" Will replied.
Let's try another one, Lil thought to herself.
"One day, someone asked how to spell the word orange" Lil started.
"Mmm.." Will responded attentively.
"Then someone replied.. The colour or the fruit?"
Will burst out in laughter.
"Oh my God! I love it! That's hilarious!" Will exclaimed.
Lilian smiled. She was glad he liked it.
She was amazed at how random she could be. How comfortable she was with him.
I love how this guy keeps me smiling, she admitted to herself.
No matter what she said, he always made a remark; never made her feel stupid for what she'd say. He was the type of guy you could be around- and not come close to sharing an awkward moment.
I think I like this guy.

*****

Day in, day out; throughout each day my mind somehow begins to fill with thoughts of you. I've realised I'm caught up in you. With your ways. With the way you make me feel. Its uncontrollable. Sometimes overwhelming. What do I do with this?

I'm fighting with myself. I can't seem to find a compromise. One side is starting to take control. I'm suddenly turning into a pessimist. Not wanting to take a risk. Too afraid to fall back down from an uncertain tower or happiness. I've felt it before. That is how I convince myself to stray away. I make myself remember how much pain I went through. It keeps me alert, aware of what might happen.

But then the optimistic side kicks in. So what if it makes you happy. Happiness or regret I tell myself. It's my choice. I can't sit back and just wait for whatever to happen. That's what life's all about. Through our pain and hardships is when we truly realise what we are capable of.

But here I go again. Fighting with myself. It seems to be easier to put yourself down than to lift yourself up. Pessimist taking over. The war in my head is not in any way close to having a truce being called. I'm sinking down again. It's my way of making sure I don't get my hopes up. My way of making sure I don't have a bubble to burst.

This is where thinking gets me. This is where my "I hate lying in bed doing nothing" experience comes in. I love falling asleep when I'm really tired.. Meaning I have to keep myself busy until then.

Busy meaning doing things other than lying here and thinking. Cos this whole ramble is what happens when I do that. It's not the best of feelings.

But I knew eventually it was gonna make a comeback.

And here it is right now. I knew I was gonna feel this way again. Because no matter what you're put through; Time still keeps on moving forward. Life doesn't happen like a straight line. It has it's bumps, it's maximums and minimums. I've expected this.

So now here I am feeling positive again. Knowing that life can be a bitch and that I am not alone is helping. Life challenges you. Things happen for a reason. And now that I've written all this; I feel as if I've released all the emotions. And now I'm finally tired.

It's funny how this feeling makes me ramble. I haven't done this in ages. You make me want to write.. Because the only way to release these emotions of mine is to write it.

So thank you but no thank you :)

PONCHO RINO; RIP

My first ever dog. 11 years. The best dog ever.

Passed away 13 November 2009. RIP.



He was a very old dog, blind and had trouble walking around, so im glad that he is now in a much happier place and in a healthier state. <3

Peace&Love

two-day..

Today means two days till.. November 12, 5.15pm

Two more days till I will write without feeling guilty of not studying.
Two more days till I can access my Facebook account again.
Two more days till the idea of highschool and its exams is finally over (even though i graduated already).
but anyways.. I have a month of catching-up-writing to do
I shall keep you posted..SOON! and I mean it!

Peace&Love