wake up call.

If i've done something wrong then I will be willing to apologise and take the blame for it.

But sometimes you take the blame too early, you already say sorry.. But then you realise it actually isn't entirely your fault.

What if the other person is too blind to see that it could of been their fault.
Since you've already apologised, will the other person realised that they played a part in the arguement?

What if the other person is too into thinking about how it affected them, and they're just way in over their head about their own actions.

Do you bring it up again, when you've both discussed to get over it?
Because I don't think I can get over it because I want you to realise what went wrong, so next time.. It won't happen.. There will not be a next time.

They say little arguements are healthy in relationships; it shows that you both care about each other enough to help each other through such things. To fix things to help build the relationship and make it stronger.
From these things comes realisations.

Sometimes everyone just needs their own little wake up call. Either you hear it from others, or you come to realise it yourself.

I do admit that I may have over reacted. Obviously when your in such a close relationship you are more prone to be affected by the other persons thoughts and actions. And I'm sorry if I may had triggered the arguement.

But please, put you're pride down a little, look at both sides of the story, and understand that it's hard for me too, and not just for you.

I want to understand you, I want to help you. But I guess this is something you really have got to do on your own.

I understand. I really do. I understand that this is not who you really are, because I got to know you way before this. I am willing to wait.. I will wait. I'll let you figure it out, I'll let you do your thing.. I'll do my thing.

But I'm not going anywhere.

with every second; another moment wasted.

THIS TRULY IS JUST RAMBLE. Nothing fancy about it, just expression of emotion.

Uni has started.
The days are fine, my mind is preoccupied by what has to be done. Making sure I find the right room, making sure i'm on time, making sure conversations are flowing (but of course, thats naturally happening, but still needs you to think about what you're saying).
My mind is busy. But for some reason, during some split seconds, i find myself thinking, maybe i'll see you today. At the same time, i tell myself to shut up, get back and focus on what im doing.

I've come to realise that im always searching, but for what? i should really stop. Why should i search for something that does not what to be found?
Why should i put effort in if nothing is getting through? Its not that i'm giving up, this is me finding excuses as to why i should stop feeling that way i do. I know its not the best thing to do - to pretend one thing while you feel another - but it feels like the best thing to do. Because i feel so vulnerable.

I feel that im so easily distracted now, and distracted by thoughts of you. I cant. I must not be. Im probably just wasting my time on it. There's other things that i could be doing instead of thinking about such things. but who can control these things?

But yes, when im in the environment where i have to do stuff, i can easily control what i think about.. but its the time when in alone, the time when my mind is relaxed, thats annoying me.
i truly dislike this feeling. ive felt it before. its reminding me of the time when i lost someone, someone so close to me, and they never came back. i had that little hope in me that they would. but they havnt, and nor do i think they will.

Im short of reassurance. At this point, i just feel like i dont have them. I guess its because im so used to knowing whats up, whats going on, and now, i hardly know anything. Time passes by and with every second; another moment wasted.
I was told that i wasnt gonna feel alone. But i do.
I cant truly speak about this with anyone, because im restricted.
I could mention apart of it, but i feel that they wont understand either way, but theres no harm in trying.

I feel that eventually i will try.Right now I feel that i need to find other people. Because giving it all to just one person, means that one person carries so much of you, and if something like this happens, that part of you feels like its gone, and you have to wait for it to come back. Thats if it will. Is it possible to care and not care at the same time. My minds assuming too much for its own good.

When you have a bestfriend, they pretty much know alot.. like, alot. You spend alot of your time with them.
What do you do when you've grown to someone, like, alot, and then they decide to disappear for a while. How are you supposed to feel, when that last time someone so close to you left, they never came back? What are you supposed to do when you feel like you care way more about them then they do you? What do you do when you feel like you could lose someone? Can you still control what happens next, when it truly takes two to tango? One sided effort doesnt really get you anywhere.

and its not that theres not much effort on their behalf, because i know they put effort in, its just at this time how would i truly know? theres no communication. i understand where they're coming from.. but would a friend do that to you? not just any friend, a best friend. Would a bestfriend leave you to sort out their problems? Because i feel like im being a bad bestfriend by not helping them out. or is me being fair distant the help that they want?
Me, being their bestfriend, understands whats happening.. but i guess this is just me being all low, and frustrated. Me thinking the worst.

I dont know where im going with this.

I just hope and pray that it returns to normal soon, because i dont know how long i can take it, i dont want to reach the point where i know nothing anymore and im way in over my head as to whats really happening. I dont want to reach the point where we have to start all over again because ive felt like we've already lost what we built.
I dont want it to reach the point where we both feel bad for letting this happen for too long.

I want this to happen and end with a good thing.

help me find myself..

Today I heard the song you wrote for her, and you sound so happy.
I must admit that I was expecting to feel something, like somehow it would affect me.
And it did, but it wasnt sadness. I was smiling. I was happy that you were happy.
It felt like I was just listening to another cheesy song.
It's through this that I've realised.
I've come to accept that things were not meant to be between us.
That I'm thankful for what happened, because now I've seen that I'm capable of moving on.
I've been feeling this way for a long while now, I just was not sure.
I felt afraid to listen to that song, because I didn't want to feel down.
But I knew today, that it was going to be different.
Through the help of certain things, the smallest little strings that kept me attached to you are now gone.
I believe that I am no long affected by you.
All I do now is just smile about it.
Because it was beautiful while it lasted.
And it ended, but something more beautiful came from it.
I told myself there was a reason all this happened.
And that eventually I was going to find out that reason.
I've found it, and I'm cherishing it.

Thank you.. you were my inspiration for writing this. You helped me :)

I JUST WANT YOU - AJ RAFAEL
"There's something I gotta say to you
but I'm so afraid of what you'll do
I'll just admit this to you now
That I'm stuck on glue on you some how
Don't want to feel so cold inside
I want to feel the warmth that I feel with you all the time
Surrounding me just like the wind
cause you're the one who makes me see
Help me find myself, like how I found you
I need you so we can live happily too
I just want you
I want to go out with you tonight
A picnic with candle light
I might just hold you tight
Tell me you want to be my queen
If not it's ok a princess seems just my type I promise I'll be there tonight
I want to keep you warm when winters white
And make the summer walks on the beach sound nice
I need you now to talk with on the phone for hours at a time
Baby I just want you to be mine all mine..."

AUTUMN SUNSET.

She stood alongside her open window. The soft breeze gently blowing away the last few traces of sadness from her eyes. Her moist cheeks tingled from the cool air. Her mouth held shut. Such a beautiful autumn sunset, painting the sky endlessly with pinks and rich golds. Even a sight like this didn't stop the tears from streaming down her face.

She closed her eyes, forcing out the last few drops. Then brushed them away from her cheeks with her hands. She took a deep breath. That will be the last time, she told herself, tomorrow everything will be different.

She looked out again at the beautiful view. She slowly slipped her hand in her pocket. It was filled with ripped pieces of paper. She grabbed a handful, making sure all were there. She held that arm out the window, the cool breeze tickling her skin, making her hair stand on end.

Taking another deep breath, she opened her hand. The pieces of paper started to fly away, caught by the breeze. There he went. "He was carried away; his words which amazed me, his voice which awakened me, his smile that calmed me...". And there she stood, what a beautiful autumn sunset. She watched till the final glimpse of gold had set and disappeared.

Love me for what I am not. Then leave me with a kiss.

<3

my mind goes something like this..

Monday is getting nearer;
My thoughts aren't getting any clearer.

I'm getting too caught up in you;
I've got to come up with something to do.

Cos the longer I keep on going with this;
Then the harder it will be for me to resist.

So here I am filling my thoughts,
It's all about Monday's results.

Just to keep you away,
So it'll be safe for me to say;
That there won't be a price to pay.

The price to pay being my heart;
Already cut by something so sharp.

But this ain't nothing like before;
Which left me all sore.

It happened so unexpectedly;
Even though I thought I went by so quietly.

You've got me caught up in you,
And there is something I must do.

Cos what I feel may just be for me,
As nothing is what my eyes can see.

So if it is just for me,
I'm just gonna let it go free.

Let me know. Before I let you go.

Ahhh-choo!

Useful for me. Useless for you. - ramble

"Oh hey! Listen to this.." Lilian directed.
"The inability to pronounce the letter R is called Rhotacism. The inability to pronounce the letter S is called having a Lisp."
William laughed.
Don't you just love being the reason someone laughs, you're actually making them happy even if only it were for a short second.
"Fascinating huh?" Lil added.
"I've heard of the lisp, but not the rhotacism one.. but that's a good one!" Will replied.
Let's try another one, Lil thought to herself.
"One day, someone asked how to spell the word orange" Lil started.
"Mmm.." Will responded attentively.
"Then someone replied.. The colour or the fruit?"
Will burst out in laughter.
"Oh my God! I love it! That's hilarious!" Will exclaimed.
Lilian smiled. She was glad he liked it.
She was amazed at how random she could be. How comfortable she was with him.
I love how this guy keeps me smiling, she admitted to herself.
No matter what she said, he always made a remark; never made her feel stupid for what she'd say. He was the type of guy you could be around- and not come close to sharing an awkward moment.
I think I like this guy.

*****

Day in, day out; throughout each day my mind somehow begins to fill with thoughts of you. I've realised I'm caught up in you. With your ways. With the way you make me feel. Its uncontrollable. Sometimes overwhelming. What do I do with this?

I'm fighting with myself. I can't seem to find a compromise. One side is starting to take control. I'm suddenly turning into a pessimist. Not wanting to take a risk. Too afraid to fall back down from an uncertain tower or happiness. I've felt it before. That is how I convince myself to stray away. I make myself remember how much pain I went through. It keeps me alert, aware of what might happen.

But then the optimistic side kicks in. So what if it makes you happy. Happiness or regret I tell myself. It's my choice. I can't sit back and just wait for whatever to happen. That's what life's all about. Through our pain and hardships is when we truly realise what we are capable of.

But here I go again. Fighting with myself. It seems to be easier to put yourself down than to lift yourself up. Pessimist taking over. The war in my head is not in any way close to having a truce being called. I'm sinking down again. It's my way of making sure I don't get my hopes up. My way of making sure I don't have a bubble to burst.

This is where thinking gets me. This is where my "I hate lying in bed doing nothing" experience comes in. I love falling asleep when I'm really tired.. Meaning I have to keep myself busy until then.

Busy meaning doing things other than lying here and thinking. Cos this whole ramble is what happens when I do that. It's not the best of feelings.

But I knew eventually it was gonna make a comeback.

And here it is right now. I knew I was gonna feel this way again. Because no matter what you're put through; Time still keeps on moving forward. Life doesn't happen like a straight line. It has it's bumps, it's maximums and minimums. I've expected this.

So now here I am feeling positive again. Knowing that life can be a bitch and that I am not alone is helping. Life challenges you. Things happen for a reason. And now that I've written all this; I feel as if I've released all the emotions. And now I'm finally tired.

It's funny how this feeling makes me ramble. I haven't done this in ages. You make me want to write.. Because the only way to release these emotions of mine is to write it.

So thank you but no thank you :)

PONCHO RINO; RIP

My first ever dog. 11 years. The best dog ever.

Passed away 13 November 2009. RIP.



He was a very old dog, blind and had trouble walking around, so im glad that he is now in a much happier place and in a healthier state. <3

Peace&Love