Useful for me. Useless for you. - ramble

"Oh hey! Listen to this.." Lilian directed.
"The inability to pronounce the letter R is called Rhotacism. The inability to pronounce the letter S is called having a Lisp."
William laughed.
Don't you just love being the reason someone laughs, you're actually making them happy even if only it were for a short second.
"Fascinating huh?" Lil added.
"I've heard of the lisp, but not the rhotacism one.. but that's a good one!" Will replied.
Let's try another one, Lil thought to herself.
"One day, someone asked how to spell the word orange" Lil started.
"Mmm.." Will responded attentively.
"Then someone replied.. The colour or the fruit?"
Will burst out in laughter.
"Oh my God! I love it! That's hilarious!" Will exclaimed.
Lilian smiled. She was glad he liked it.
She was amazed at how random she could be. How comfortable she was with him.
I love how this guy keeps me smiling, she admitted to herself.
No matter what she said, he always made a remark; never made her feel stupid for what she'd say. He was the type of guy you could be around- and not come close to sharing an awkward moment.
I think I like this guy.

*****

Day in, day out; throughout each day my mind somehow begins to fill with thoughts of you. I've realised I'm caught up in you. With your ways. With the way you make me feel. Its uncontrollable. Sometimes overwhelming. What do I do with this?

I'm fighting with myself. I can't seem to find a compromise. One side is starting to take control. I'm suddenly turning into a pessimist. Not wanting to take a risk. Too afraid to fall back down from an uncertain tower or happiness. I've felt it before. That is how I convince myself to stray away. I make myself remember how much pain I went through. It keeps me alert, aware of what might happen.

But then the optimistic side kicks in. So what if it makes you happy. Happiness or regret I tell myself. It's my choice. I can't sit back and just wait for whatever to happen. That's what life's all about. Through our pain and hardships is when we truly realise what we are capable of.

But here I go again. Fighting with myself. It seems to be easier to put yourself down than to lift yourself up. Pessimist taking over. The war in my head is not in any way close to having a truce being called. I'm sinking down again. It's my way of making sure I don't get my hopes up. My way of making sure I don't have a bubble to burst.

This is where thinking gets me. This is where my "I hate lying in bed doing nothing" experience comes in. I love falling asleep when I'm really tired.. Meaning I have to keep myself busy until then.

Busy meaning doing things other than lying here and thinking. Cos this whole ramble is what happens when I do that. It's not the best of feelings.

But I knew eventually it was gonna make a comeback.

And here it is right now. I knew I was gonna feel this way again. Because no matter what you're put through; Time still keeps on moving forward. Life doesn't happen like a straight line. It has it's bumps, it's maximums and minimums. I've expected this.

So now here I am feeling positive again. Knowing that life can be a bitch and that I am not alone is helping. Life challenges you. Things happen for a reason. And now that I've written all this; I feel as if I've released all the emotions. And now I'm finally tired.

It's funny how this feeling makes me ramble. I haven't done this in ages. You make me want to write.. Because the only way to release these emotions of mine is to write it.

So thank you but no thank you :)