with every second; another moment wasted.

THIS TRULY IS JUST RAMBLE. Nothing fancy about it, just expression of emotion.

Uni has started.
The days are fine, my mind is preoccupied by what has to be done. Making sure I find the right room, making sure i'm on time, making sure conversations are flowing (but of course, thats naturally happening, but still needs you to think about what you're saying).
My mind is busy. But for some reason, during some split seconds, i find myself thinking, maybe i'll see you today. At the same time, i tell myself to shut up, get back and focus on what im doing.

I've come to realise that im always searching, but for what? i should really stop. Why should i search for something that does not what to be found?
Why should i put effort in if nothing is getting through? Its not that i'm giving up, this is me finding excuses as to why i should stop feeling that way i do. I know its not the best thing to do - to pretend one thing while you feel another - but it feels like the best thing to do. Because i feel so vulnerable.

I feel that im so easily distracted now, and distracted by thoughts of you. I cant. I must not be. Im probably just wasting my time on it. There's other things that i could be doing instead of thinking about such things. but who can control these things?

But yes, when im in the environment where i have to do stuff, i can easily control what i think about.. but its the time when in alone, the time when my mind is relaxed, thats annoying me.
i truly dislike this feeling. ive felt it before. its reminding me of the time when i lost someone, someone so close to me, and they never came back. i had that little hope in me that they would. but they havnt, and nor do i think they will.

Im short of reassurance. At this point, i just feel like i dont have them. I guess its because im so used to knowing whats up, whats going on, and now, i hardly know anything. Time passes by and with every second; another moment wasted.
I was told that i wasnt gonna feel alone. But i do.
I cant truly speak about this with anyone, because im restricted.
I could mention apart of it, but i feel that they wont understand either way, but theres no harm in trying.

I feel that eventually i will try.Right now I feel that i need to find other people. Because giving it all to just one person, means that one person carries so much of you, and if something like this happens, that part of you feels like its gone, and you have to wait for it to come back. Thats if it will. Is it possible to care and not care at the same time. My minds assuming too much for its own good.

When you have a bestfriend, they pretty much know alot.. like, alot. You spend alot of your time with them.
What do you do when you've grown to someone, like, alot, and then they decide to disappear for a while. How are you supposed to feel, when that last time someone so close to you left, they never came back? What are you supposed to do when you feel like you care way more about them then they do you? What do you do when you feel like you could lose someone? Can you still control what happens next, when it truly takes two to tango? One sided effort doesnt really get you anywhere.

and its not that theres not much effort on their behalf, because i know they put effort in, its just at this time how would i truly know? theres no communication. i understand where they're coming from.. but would a friend do that to you? not just any friend, a best friend. Would a bestfriend leave you to sort out their problems? Because i feel like im being a bad bestfriend by not helping them out. or is me being fair distant the help that they want?
Me, being their bestfriend, understands whats happening.. but i guess this is just me being all low, and frustrated. Me thinking the worst.

I dont know where im going with this.

I just hope and pray that it returns to normal soon, because i dont know how long i can take it, i dont want to reach the point where i know nothing anymore and im way in over my head as to whats really happening. I dont want to reach the point where we have to start all over again because ive felt like we've already lost what we built.
I dont want it to reach the point where we both feel bad for letting this happen for too long.

I want this to happen and end with a good thing.